A deeper blog

I just read an iVillage article: 30 Seconds to a Closer Marriage
Sexy, speedy (and unexpected) ways to tell him "I love you!"

I think if I did about 65 of these things she'd be irritated or exasperated, or my fear is that she'd feel "pressured" or harassed/nagged. This fear (based on some evidence, though perhaps circumstantial) is what keeps me from trying cute hints, instead resorting to scheduling tactics, and failing that unintentional whining. I think I am a lot better about not just being resentful and acting out than I used to be.

I think part of the problem is that we have different views about sex? I asked her once if she thought sex was only for people in a committed relationship to express their love for each other, or if she thought it could also be just for fun, and she said of course she also thought it could be just for fun. So it's not that level of problem, but I guess somehow I have internalized certain sex-positive assumptions from the culture that stretches from iVillage through Fem Sex to Savage Love. Some of the assumptions I'm aware of are:

• Sex is good! It's ok to like sex!
• Whatever weird thing you're into is ok as long as it's SSC
• Experimentation is good and necessary
• Toys, accessories, fantasies are good and fun and not a statement that there's anything wrong with the partner or the relationship.
• Talking about sex is important and good
• Partners have a certain amount of responsibility to each other sexually.
• Sex is what differentiates a romantic relationship from friendship? Or sex is a critical part of a relationship, though not the only one? Couples are sexual for their entire relationships, though there may be some degree of ebb and flow.

I'll have to list more as I think of them. I wonder if on some level she's still embarassed/ashamed about sex? Or if there's another underlying issue? Or there's a belief system I'm not picking up on or being able to get my head around?

I could try reading this article to her and asking how she thinks she would respond (as opposed to how I think she would respond).

Strange interesting dream last night.

Kim Woessner/Charlotte (mostly Kim) was back in town, as was I. Attempts to establish friendship? Someone--a teacher, her mentor? a music teacher--told her that in terms of helping me clean my room she/I should just find the "toomba and [piano?]" and throw out the rest. Someone was a character or setting from "Bend it Like Beckham." Not a bad dream, altogether. Good to see her again, hopeful for friendship, but didn't feel needy about it and there was a point in the dream where we were talking and I made a decision to say what I really thought about something, even knowing it could jeopardize my "chances." And I was comfortable doing that, not antagonistic.

Tom Merrifield, at the Tang Center (CPS), once told me that he used to have a page in his journal where he wrote down things he knew but forgot. This came up when I was having trouble sleeping a couple of weeks before the UCLGBTIA conference in 2002; I mentioned to him that I used to have a rule about no more than 3 extracurricular activities at a time, but I had forgotten my own rule.

In retrospect, 3 seems like kind of a lot! Though knowing me, I don't think I could have done less at the time.

Anyway, I want to record somethings I know or decided but seem to have forgotten lately.

Lately I just find myself behaving in non-constructive ways that I hate when other people do them. For example, finding ways to shift blame from myself by making excuses or blustering or whatever instead of just admitting I made a mistake and fixing it (or if it wasn't really my fault, looking at what happened and still trying to fix it or talk to the person who can fix it). I think part of this comes from a work environment that's all about blaming and avoiding blame, but I also think when I first started working here I was more resistant to being caught up in it.

This morning, too, I just woke up with my knickers in a twist, but on the bus I had a chance to think about why I'm really upset. I have to remember not to blow things out of proportion, or to think that one (or 3 or 6) bad outcomes means a bad outcome is the only one possible. If I've already worked myself in to a desperate/needy/depressed/pessimistic state, that's just not conducive to communication and negotiation. I think I need to be better about asking for what I want. I think I'm really scared to do that, maybe because I think I won't get it or worse I'm afraid that we won't even be able to have a conversation about it, or that there will be some kind of big fight/fall out or something. I'm afraid that asking for what I want will sound like a demand. So instead of asking for what I want, I think I become controlling in the sense of making decisions or plans unilaterally, and then just trying to enforce them. Or I get disappointed when things aren't going according to my plan. I have to be willing to take the risk of really talking to Heidi about what I want--the risk is that I'll feel rejected or disappointed, but to be honest when I use "I-statements" and all that crap, she does respond well and really listens and tries to help.

The other thing I've been doing that I don't like is being fake i.e. not authentic (to myself or others) about myself. Trying to cover up whatever I think people will find "unacceptable." So then I'm just a phony, which is unacceptable to me, especially because it makes me no fun to be around. On Monday in quintet I was lucky because I had my guard down and I ended up just hanging out and being myself, which got a little silly sometimes--and I was afraid of being embarrassed--but in the end nothing bad happened, and it was fun, and I didn't snap at anybody, and I was more relaxed because I had let it hang out.

It's hard to find people I feel like I can just be myself around because I think my authentic self is not ready for mainstream, though on the other hand when I feel relaxed and confident it's easier for me to get along with all kinds of people, like at the garage sale on Saturday.

I think this whole "being authentic/unguarded" thing is related to the "not just blustering to cover my ass" thing. Common cause. Common solution? probably.

I think I'm hoping that somehow doing the UU thing will help me to stay authentic and remind me to be wary of the traps that I'm now starting to fall into.

Here's some things I posted on Tribe:
Ok, I would like to point out a coupla things.

First of all, in this thread we have already confused "in love" and "love" which in my mind are entirely different things. The way I see it, you can be not "in love" with someone, but still love them very much.

Second, I think way, way, way, way, way, waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much emphasis is put on "in love." The way I see it, "in love" is really part delusion, part drug, and at any rate evanescent; it's not something you can hold on too. Even in the most ideal LTR, it will fade after the first couple of years or so. That's just a part of life; that's just something you have to deal with. "In love" isn't something you can take to the bank, and it's not something I would recommend as a decision making tool.
reply to this post




Arse
1
January 07, 2004 - 09:33 PM
Re: This is the end... or is it?

More of my thoughts on "in love":

I think we each carry with us an "image" of the ideal mate; someone who will love us unconditionally, be perfectly compatible, make us whole, and understand us without our having to communicate. This person does not exist (and there is no tooth fairy either, sorry kids). When we meet someone we're attracted to in some way (not necessarily physical), we project this "image" onto that person; sure, the new person is great and has many things perhaps in common with the Ideal Mate, but the new person *cannot be* the Ideal Mate(IM) because the latter simply does not--and cannot--exist. The IM may be the mirage many people are chasing in their quests for "the one." The IM is what you are "in love" with, and when the new person looks like the IM, you feel like you're in love with him/her.

After you get to know the new person for a while, you realize they're not the IM, and eventually the feelings fade. This can take a long time, and many people may not really see thier partner well enough to realize that he/she isn't the IM; they continue to believe the illusion.

The way I see it, other people cannot be the solution. The things you're looking for from an IM (love us unconditionally, be perfectly compatible, make us whole, and understand us without our having to communicate) are impossible in any human being. Plus, if you're counting on another person to make you whole, you're setting yourself up for co-dependence. The person who makes you whole and loves you unconditionally has to be either YOU YOURSELF or whatever deity/spiritual entity you believe in. This goes back to my answer to Spidra's question about loving oneself. I know it's hard, and I haven't completely managed to do it myself yet, but what we all need to do (IMHO) is see that we are already whole and complete, and to love ourselves. Then we won't have to chase after rainbows and always be disappointed; we'll be free to have emotionally honest relationships with real love (not "in love") and to see and value our partners for who they really are, not who we wish they were.
reply to this post




Rick
5
January 08, 2004 - 04:18 PM
Re: This is the end... or is it?

I agree Arse. There is a lot of confusion between love and 'in love' and what these things mean. I think that real love is not person or situation specific, and has no end. No parent ever suspects they have the wrong child. Doesn't mean you necessarily want to be with just anybody - there needs to be some basic compatibility in an adult relationship. The 'in love' phase is a really nice way of starting things, but I don't think it's the goal. Nobody can keep you high indefinitely, or liberate you from inner pain you have not allowed yourself to experience (which is part of the unconscious fantasy, that the person will be what your parents couldn't be in some way). They can keep you company. Real happiness comes from what we give, not what we take. Better to resolve your issues with your parents on the inside if possible. These are more than opinions, they're life conditions, and have to be reached on ones own.
But we really tell a lot about ourselves when we tell our opinions on this topic

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Yeah, that last part is by some guy named Rick, but I agree with what he said.

I should add (e) to that list.

e. We didn't "click"/have common interests or shared values or she wasn't geeky.

I don't know if that's the same as (b). We did have some shared values. But I guess there's (f):

f. We didn't have enough common values to raise kids together, even though we both wanted kids.

If I could just cry and get it over with, would i be able to get out of bed and clean my room and get on with my life? My life....is in pieces all around me and I'm just sitting here playing solitaire on my laptop. Something is wrong with this picture.

It's so weird. I thought I would keep loving her, but I've lost that loving feeling, ha ha. Or something. I'm so confused. What's going on? Where are my feelings? What am I supposed to be feeling? What am I feeling instead? What does that mean?

Are (c) and (d) different? What about (a), (c), and (d)? Am I just a wanker?

No, it was mutual. She brought it up while I was looking for the right words. Right?

Why did I break up with my girlfriend?

Was it because

a. I felt my boundaries weren't being adequately respected and that the situation was borderline manipulative/abusive?

b. Because I wasn't in love with her?

c. I couldn't open up enough?

d. I needed space/autonomy?

Which of those, if any, are good reasons?

woo-hoo!