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Love, sex, and other bodily functions
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I just read an iVillage article: 30 Seconds to a Closer Marriage
Sexy, speedy (and unexpected) ways to tell him "I love you!"
I think if I did about 65 of these things she'd be irritated or exasperated, or my fear is that she'd feel "pressured" or harassed/nagged. This fear (based on some evidence, though perhaps circumstantial) is what keeps me from trying cute hints, instead resorting to scheduling tactics, and failing that unintentional whining. I think I am a lot better about not just being resentful and acting out than I used to be.
I think part of the problem is that we have different views about sex? I asked her once if she thought sex was only for people in a committed relationship to express their love for each other, or if she thought it could also be just for fun, and she said of course she also thought it could be just for fun. So it's not that level of problem, but I guess somehow I have internalized certain sex-positive assumptions from the culture that stretches from iVillage through Fem Sex to Savage Love. Some of the assumptions I'm aware of are:
Sexy, speedy (and unexpected) ways to tell him "I love you!"
I think if I did about 65 of these things she'd be irritated or exasperated, or my fear is that she'd feel "pressured" or harassed/nagged. This fear (based on some evidence, though perhaps circumstantial) is what keeps me from trying cute hints, instead resorting to scheduling tactics, and failing that unintentional whining. I think I am a lot better about not just being resentful and acting out than I used to be.
I think part of the problem is that we have different views about sex? I asked her once if she thought sex was only for people in a committed relationship to express their love for each other, or if she thought it could also be just for fun, and she said of course she also thought it could be just for fun. So it's not that level of problem, but I guess somehow I have internalized certain sex-positive assumptions from the culture that stretches from iVillage through Fem Sex to Savage Love. Some of the assumptions I'm aware of are:
- Sex is good! It's ok to like sex!
- Whatever weird thing you're into is ok as long as it's SSC
- Experimentation is good and necessary
- Toys, accessories, fantasies are good and fun and not a statement that there's anything wrong with the partner or the relationship.
- Talking about sex is important and good
- Partners have a certain amount of responsibility to each other sexually.
- Sex is what differentiates a romantic relationship from friendship? Or sex is a critical part of a relationship, though not the only one? Couples are sexual for their entire relationships, though there may be some degree of ebb and flow.
I'll have to list more as I think of them. I wonder if on some level she's still embarassed/ashamed about sex? Or if there's another underlying issue? Or there's a belief system I'm not picking up on or being able to get my head around?
I could try reading this article to her and asking how she thinks she would respond (as opposed to how I think she would respond).
