Links
Archives
Love, sex, and other bodily functions
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Tom Merrifield, at the Tang Center (CPS), once told me that he used to have a page in his journal where he wrote down things he knew but forgot. This came up when I was having trouble sleeping a couple of weeks before the UCLGBTIA conference in 2002; I mentioned to him that I used to have a rule about no more than 3 extracurricular activities at a time, but I had forgotten my own rule.
In retrospect, 3 seems like kind of a lot! Though knowing me, I don't think I could have done less at the time.
Anyway, I want to record somethings I know or decided but seem to have forgotten lately.
Lately I just find myself behaving in non-constructive ways that I hate when other people do them. For example, finding ways to shift blame from myself by making excuses or blustering or whatever instead of just admitting I made a mistake and fixing it (or if it wasn't really my fault, looking at what happened and still trying to fix it or talk to the person who can fix it). I think part of this comes from a work environment that's all about blaming and avoiding blame, but I also think when I first started working here I was more resistant to being caught up in it.
This morning, too, I just woke up with my knickers in a twist, but on the bus I had a chance to think about why I'm really upset. I have to remember not to blow things out of proportion, or to think that one (or 3 or 6) bad outcomes means a bad outcome is the only one possible. If I've already worked myself in to a desperate/needy/depressed/pessimistic state, that's just not conducive to communication and negotiation. I think I need to be better about asking for what I want. I think I'm really scared to do that, maybe because I think I won't get it or worse I'm afraid that we won't even be able to have a conversation about it, or that there will be some kind of big fight/fall out or something. I'm afraid that asking for what I want will sound like a demand. So instead of asking for what I want, I think I become controlling in the sense of making decisions or plans unilaterally, and then just trying to enforce them. Or I get disappointed when things aren't going according to my plan. I have to be willing to take the risk of really talking to Heidi about what I want--the risk is that I'll feel rejected or disappointed, but to be honest when I use "I-statements" and all that crap, she does respond well and really listens and tries to help.
The other thing I've been doing that I don't like is being fake i.e. not authentic (to myself or others) about myself. Trying to cover up whatever I think people will find "unacceptable." So then I'm just a phony, which is unacceptable to me, especially because it makes me no fun to be around. On Monday in quintet I was lucky because I had my guard down and I ended up just hanging out and being myself, which got a little silly sometimes--and I was afraid of being embarrassed--but in the end nothing bad happened, and it was fun, and I didn't snap at anybody, and I was more relaxed because I had let it hang out.
It's hard to find people I feel like I can just be myself around because I think my authentic self is not ready for mainstream, though on the other hand when I feel relaxed and confident it's easier for me to get along with all kinds of people, like at the garage sale on Saturday.
I think this whole "being authentic/unguarded" thing is related to the "not just blustering to cover my ass" thing. Common cause. Common solution? probably.
I think I'm hoping that somehow doing the UU thing will help me to stay authentic and remind me to be wary of the traps that I'm now starting to fall into.
In retrospect, 3 seems like kind of a lot! Though knowing me, I don't think I could have done less at the time.
Anyway, I want to record somethings I know or decided but seem to have forgotten lately.
Lately I just find myself behaving in non-constructive ways that I hate when other people do them. For example, finding ways to shift blame from myself by making excuses or blustering or whatever instead of just admitting I made a mistake and fixing it (or if it wasn't really my fault, looking at what happened and still trying to fix it or talk to the person who can fix it). I think part of this comes from a work environment that's all about blaming and avoiding blame, but I also think when I first started working here I was more resistant to being caught up in it.
This morning, too, I just woke up with my knickers in a twist, but on the bus I had a chance to think about why I'm really upset. I have to remember not to blow things out of proportion, or to think that one (or 3 or 6) bad outcomes means a bad outcome is the only one possible. If I've already worked myself in to a desperate/needy/depressed/pessimistic state, that's just not conducive to communication and negotiation. I think I need to be better about asking for what I want. I think I'm really scared to do that, maybe because I think I won't get it or worse I'm afraid that we won't even be able to have a conversation about it, or that there will be some kind of big fight/fall out or something. I'm afraid that asking for what I want will sound like a demand. So instead of asking for what I want, I think I become controlling in the sense of making decisions or plans unilaterally, and then just trying to enforce them. Or I get disappointed when things aren't going according to my plan. I have to be willing to take the risk of really talking to Heidi about what I want--the risk is that I'll feel rejected or disappointed, but to be honest when I use "I-statements" and all that crap, she does respond well and really listens and tries to help.
The other thing I've been doing that I don't like is being fake i.e. not authentic (to myself or others) about myself. Trying to cover up whatever I think people will find "unacceptable." So then I'm just a phony, which is unacceptable to me, especially because it makes me no fun to be around. On Monday in quintet I was lucky because I had my guard down and I ended up just hanging out and being myself, which got a little silly sometimes--and I was afraid of being embarrassed--but in the end nothing bad happened, and it was fun, and I didn't snap at anybody, and I was more relaxed because I had let it hang out.
It's hard to find people I feel like I can just be myself around because I think my authentic self is not ready for mainstream, though on the other hand when I feel relaxed and confident it's easier for me to get along with all kinds of people, like at the garage sale on Saturday.
I think this whole "being authentic/unguarded" thing is related to the "not just blustering to cover my ass" thing. Common cause. Common solution? probably.
I think I'm hoping that somehow doing the UU thing will help me to stay authentic and remind me to be wary of the traps that I'm now starting to fall into.
